Chronic Negress

For those of us who are in the transition from mere unemployment to what seems like a lengthy period of enforced idleness, the Negress has some tips for ways to increase your burn rate for time on your hands. First of all, keep applying for jobs on-line, an activity which is a bit like shouting your career accomplishments into a hole in the backyard. Apparently human resources people don’t always read the media gossip sites, which say their companies are laying off people and packing positions in cryogenic storage. They are not hiring. Now you can spend your time relentlessly pursuing  jobs that don’t exist. Talk to your friends, even when they bring you such happy news that all of the financial professionals who graduated from (insert name of well-regarded school here) are begging for work. Try not to grimace when they note that even lawyers are trolling for gigs. With all the business liquidations and bankruptcies looming, you would figure lawyers would be busy. This is not a good sign. Also, make sure you have added lots of word game applications on your home on Facebook. (For example, you can get “grates,”  “greats” and “greets” out of the word “steerage,” which could be a description of any future travel plans). Coming up with anagrams and getting your butt kicked by venal Scrabble masters is another excellent way to murder time while you wait to hear back from all those companies who have posted frozen jobs on-line. If you still have health insurance, make sure you get every body part that is eligible for a tuneup oiled, shined, ultrasounded and tightened. Be somewhat envious of colleagues who are too busy to listen to your latest tales of fear and loathing. After all, you won four straight Solitaire games this afternoon so you are a golden god. They’re writing, running CSAs, raising children, maximizing publicity strategies, getting married and quitting smoking and all that other stuff. Also, in case you are sleeping too well of late, make sure you get news that opens up all sorts of possibilities about your future and where it may play out just a few hours before bedtime. Put the wine away. Drinking and sleeping don’t mix unless you are Dorothy Kilgallen. Make sure you play out every single potential outcome in your mind while playing endless games of Solitaire. Stop playing Solitaire long enough to update your spyware protection. Write a blog post, another topnotch way to become anxious and chatty with tens of people you have never met. Realize you are hitting the tape when it comes to self-imposed word limit.  Before quitting, wonder why movie critics use words like “revanchist.” Stop.